Is it me? The culture? Or are these people crazy?

Today I present you with four short stories of Weird Stuff that I have a hard time explaining. :)

(1) A Korean woman mentioned to me that her one-year-old likes to visit her in the bathroom. He enjoys pushing the buttons on the bidet because they make such fun noises. And that is too much information right there, folks.

(2) On a warm sunny day at the Bukbu beach boardwalk last fall, I saw a Korean mother stop with her young daughter, take off the girl's plastic sandals, and put rain boots on her feet before allowing her onto the sand. Wait, what? I have no place in my mind for fun time at beach = rain boots. Nope.

(3) Many (most?) Koreans are painfully shy about their English abilities and try to avoid talking to foreigners. Many times we have seen staff at restaurants, clothing stores, and even the orthodontist argue about who has to deal with us (sometimes resorting to the Korean version of rock-paper-scissors to select a "winner.") So having an older Korean man shout at Elisabeth and I while we were walking along "stream street" (a car-free shopping area downtown), took us rather by surprise at first.

Man: You American? From America? You English teacher?

Me: Yes, hi. Oh - you must be Tailor Joe. I have heard about you from other foreigners {the guy has a reputation for approaching ex-pats}.

Joe: Yes! Tailor Joe! You hear of me? I fix all your clothes! I make you new housecoat! Comforter set! Matching curtains! I make very cheap! Many American military like me!

Me: Um, ok, thanks.  That's good to know. I don't need anything right now, though, but thank you.

Joe: I very cheap! Want to come see my shop - very close! I can fix anything!

Me: Well... ok. {I'm a sucker for adventures like this.  We walked several blocks, Elisabeth's eyes getting larger and her hands clinging tighter to my arm as the neighborhood quality quickly descended from glam to ghetto.}

Joe (who never stops talking): So maybe you need new housecoat? I do embroidering - any design! How about you need a sexy lady thong?  You married? I make thong for your husband, too!

And so it went until we entered his smoky "Oriental Secret" shop, filled with barely-clad mannequins sporting silky dragon-embroidered robes along with various, ah, shall we say, "leather goods." Well. Well. I refused his offer of coffee and tea, and we escaped quickly, never feeling terribly unsafe but certainly feeling rather unclean.

(4) Last week I stopped at our hardware store to get a hose for the community garden. Perhaps I've mentioned "our" hardware store before - once you choose a store and get to know the owner over several visits, a certain trust/loyalty builds up. We have come to love "our" hardware guy, who always stops whatever he is doing when we show up (normally, he throws down his cigarette), says OOH! in a happy voice, and greets us with a smile.

Anyway, Tracey and I were so greeted (OOH! plus drop-and-stomp cigarette routine) and we explained what we needed. His English is better than our Korean and we quickly selected the hose. He measured out the 20 meters we wanted plus 3 meters of "service" (pronounced "saw-bee-suh" and meant to convey "free stuff I give you because of our mutual loyalty"). Then, quite out of nowhere, he asked if we needed a husband.

Whoa. Now that was a whole new twist to the hardware store routine. Um. Well. NO, neither of us needs a husband. But he insisted. This was weird. No, no husbands! We are married. We backed away a little nervously, wondering what crazy world we had entered and what we had agreed to by accepting those extra 3 meters of hose. He sighed with some exasperation, stalked down a tiny aisles, and returned with a clamp. A hose clamp. AHA! A HOSE BAND! ahahahaha! Well, that sure was awkward.

Wall Art: Happy Public Life

Traditional Korean villages were walled and although most people in cities now live in high-rises instead of homes, you can still find little alleys (and villages) with 5-10 foot cement walls surrounding houses and their dooryards.  Those walls are for family privacy and for securing one's drying peppers, laundry, tiny garden, and kimchi pots.  At first, the walls make a neighborhood look unfriendly (and darn hard to drive though, as they were designed with walking in mind.). But increasingly we have noticed that many walls are regularly painted with brightly colored depictions of nature, people, traditional village life, etc.  And I have come to love exploring new areas to see what public artwork they might hold.  Here are some examples.

From Yeongdeok, a coastal city 45 minutes north of Pohang, known for its fishing (especially crabs).

Happy crabs. 

This appears to be an angry whale confronting a crab at dusk.
With a mountain village and rainbow on the next wall. 

This is probably my favorite Korean wall art ever.

These artworks are from Jukcheon-ri, a tiny nearby village which decided to feature the "Kakao Friends" emoticons from KakaoTalk (the Korean version of Skype; photo credits to Sam Lantinga):

Here we see Neo (a blue cat), Muzi (rabbit?), Tube (duck), Frodo (bear), and
APeach (which is, well, a blushing butt). 

In case you're interested, APeach (The Butt) is quite popular and has been marketed on socks, car fresheners, pencils, etc.  Butts everywhere.  

On a rather different wall in Jukcheon-ri, a gorgeously rendered but rather confusing message about war and peace:

Dove + olive branch + Kevlar vest.  

And some from a tiny alley of coffee shops off "stream street," a pedestrian mall in downtown Pohang.

A nice combination of fine art reproduction, a cheesy "Photo Zone" directive, and other artwork.

Did I mention "and other artwork"?  Ah, yes.  The grossly overestimated allure
of using English to attract the sophisticated coffee drinker....

Assumptions from another planet

On the surface, Koreans look and act just like Americans - they walk around and use smartphones and laugh and hail taxis, etc.  Even all the things I've learned about this culture still fail to prepare me for surprises, though. Here is a recent sampling.

(1) Magnet schools.  I like the idea of magnet or alternative schools.  Truly I do.  In Korea such schools might incorporate a Chinese or English curriculum or have special opportunities in music or golf.  No problem there.  And then I read about an elementary school that "started a mission for curing atopic dermatitis." What is THAT, you might wonder.  Well, dear reader, I researched it for you.  It's eczema: dry, itchy cracking skin.  Yuck.  How does one cure it?  Well, in the US we'd provide moisturizers, anti-histamines, and perhaps UV light therapy.  Nothing of the kind here.  Nope: at this school, the kids take a daily 20-minute walk through a hinoki cypress grove (dressed head to toe to avoid the sun or any possible benefits of the tree oil rubbing on their skin).  Further, kids with especially severe cases take baths in cypress tubs. Yup - baths.  At school.  In wooden tubs.  Sometimes I think I have left the planet I grew up on. (source)

(2) Melon Rules: A brief article noted a change of rules regarding watermelon sales.  Ooh, I thought!.  Korean watermelon is delicious but is rather smaller than US melons and is way WAY more expensive (a $10 melon is a steal).  So I read on, hoping for news of subsidies or possibly free melons for Americans wanting a taste of home. But no. Instead: "The government changed regulations to allow stalkless watermelons to be sold."  Wait - what?  Apparently, some Koreans believe that the "t-shaped stalk" previously required was a valid means of evaluating melon freshness.  And, since the farmers were totally annoyed by the challenges created by this utterly baseless belief, the government had mercy.  Farmers may now sell melons without stalks.  I suspect the price will be the same, however.  (source) 

(3) Art lounging: A nearly 500-foot long traditional landscape painting was installed recently in Seoul.  Along with the painting, I read, specially-designed chairs were also installed.  And this is where I had to re-read the words several times because I had no place in my brain for comprehending this:  "Visitors can view the painting while reclining on the chairs...to follow the tradition of wayu which means "'traveling in nature while lying down in a room.'"  Yeah, I still can't figure it out. (source)

(4) Panda World:  The Chinese government recently bestowed upon Korea a generous gift of 2 panda bears.  The habitat/enclosure has been completed and the bears are nearly ready for the expected mass of visitors as Panda World opens next week.  To drum up excitement, one article exclaimed, "If lucky, the visitors will get to see the pandas gorging on bamboo leaves, climbing to the end of a branch that almost looks too thin to support their weight, and even pooping."   Pooping.  Ah, Korea. (source)

(5) Typo: The Korean government recently changed its emblem to much public uproar.  An article defending the decision looked to how other countries use their official emblems.  We learn that Germany and the United Kingdom have effectively used traditional symbols on their coat of arms insignia, and then we learn that government departments in the United States have several logos but "many of them have an American bold eagle."   Good for you, America, in selecting a sassy bird: none of those shy (poopy!) pandas for you. (source)

I'll be brief: 5 snippets from Korean life

I suppose that most people have quirky little happenings all around them.  So in that way, today's post is not exceptional or necessarily Korean.  But it's still funny.  So enjoy.

(1) While shopping online for a keyboard cover/skin for my laptop, I ran across this delightful description: "Dustproof and anti-dirty design may avoid the dust, the cigarette ash, the biscuit filings and so on falls into the keyboard to affect the keyboard life."  You have to love their specificity.  I received my cover/skin in the mail and was bemused at the product's motto:

(2) I happened to be invited to a meeting with an Important Person (IP) along with some foreign faculty and Korean staff regarding health/repair issues in our apartments.  The IP's staff presented each of us with a gorgeous gourmet-style fruit plate and tiny fruit fork.  We waited respectfully, of course, for the IP to begin eating before we could touch our own food.  He did not.  And, thus, we did not.  End of meeting: table dotted with 15+ pristine fruit plates.  I hope the staff got to enjoy them....

(3) From a conversation with a student discussing the aggravating sound of Chinese opera: he aptly noted that  "some traditional Korean songs also sound anal.  Um. I mean, nasal."  Yeah, that's an important distinction.

(4) A foreign faculty family built a great fort out of used pallets and a horde of children happily commenced to playing.  Within one day, the kids decided there needed to be a president of the fort, decided the basis for elections, held speeches, and the winner was judged by an older sibling.  A precocious 8-year-old won, solemnly telling my friend Tracey that "I am here to serve."   (P.S.: The president was summarily impeached by her mother and no formal government is allowed at the fort).

(5) And our last story for today.  Elisabeth and I were out walking on campus and she popped into the communal laundry room (the 2 dryers serve roughly 30 families and 25+ international graduate students) to see what was on the "free" rack.  To her great horror, the office door for the maintenance staff was wide open, and there stood three ajoshees (middle-aged Korean men), clad only in their tighty whiteys.  She fled, quite unwilling to wonder with me about these briefly clad men.

Signs Gone Wrong

After living in Korea for nearly 3 years, it's become hard to discern what's uniquely Korean and what might be something Korea has adopted from the US since I've been gone (and therefore isn't funny to anyone but me).  But I don't care.  Here are signs that made me laugh in delight or horror.  I'll warn you before we get to R-rated ones.  :)

Posted at the construction site for a new dorm on campus.
 I don't know what the Korean means, but the English is downright charming.

If you can't find the babe of the fire, you might want to call 911.

Worst. Slogan. Ever. 

Don't indeed.

Food-related signs:

Why one would choose a food name so similar to a poop-related swear is just inexplicable.

Well, thank you for your honesty, Dunkin'' Donuts.  

I can't decide if it's the appearance of this (fancy) Dunkin' Donut pastry or its description that turned me off.

Is your food too cold?  Add some of this to warm it right up.

I have no idea what this restaurant intends to convey. 

Moving into PG-13 signs now.  The sheer variety of Korean signs for restrooms continue to make me laugh like an eight-year-old.

Wondering what the Korean says?  Make a hearty grunting sound and you've nailed it.

Don't judge - we've all had to go this badly. 

This seems less about proper gender segregation than positional preference.

I really want to believe that "beauty" was the intended translation here.

And now for the R-rated signs, courtesy of an ex-pat friend visiting a local hospital for a COMPLETELY different procedure.

Public waiting area with typical blood pressure monitor and a sign about...?

Oh.  Oh no.  Oh no no no.
My beloved TA later translated for me:
Above "return the virgin" it says "a winking woman is attractive",
which I honestly can't connect to the rest of this plastic surgery ad...

And there you have it, dear reader.  Let me know which you liked best or any insights you might have about these signs.  :)

More Korean News

I recently wrote about some surprising items from the Korean news (see here) but the surprises just keep coming.  Enjoy, dear reader.   

Fake bomb.  Bombs in airports are never funny, but this report (and the details the writer chose to emphasize) made me laugh. A man left a suspicious box on the back of a toilet at Incheon airport, and police carefully retrieved and dismantled the box, revealing that it was a fake bomb.  Ok, bad situation but capably handled. End of story.  Ah, no. The writer, apparently needing to fill space,explains that a note was found as well.  It was folded in half. Inside the box. And it was printed on A4 size paper.  Um, well, maybe this matters to origami enthusiasts or something. I kept reading. “The paper box, which seemed to have originally contained traditional Japanese confectionery {ah, here’s the jab at Japan}, had taped on the outside a butane canister, a water bottle and a gas cylinder, all of which were at least partially full.” I continued reading (yes, there was more). “Authorities later said that inside the box were food scraps such as broccoli, cabbage, and a banana peel, as well as three guitar strings, four batteries and four pieces of electrical wire among other things.”  Ok, once you’ve listed folded A4 paper and broccoli crumbs in a cupcake box, what on earth is keeping the writer from listing those “other things”?  Why is this even in the news at all?  Oh, Korea. (original story here)

Korea-China Relations.  A front-page article headlined “Diplomats scramble to ask China to get tough” described how South Korea and China might jointly respond to North Korea’s recent (worrying and highly illegal) nuclear test.  The (fairly boring) article was continued on the bottom of page 2 and only caught my eye because of its change of headline to “China: Brand new hotline didn’t work.” Ooh – now this sounded interesting.  On January 2, the news had mentioned that a new hotline was established on New Year’s Day by a call between the defense ministers of South Korea and China. Ok, good progress in international relations. But at the very end of this article, written just days later, we learn that after learning of the nuclear test, “Defense Minister Han failed to get hold of his Chinese counterpart on the hotline.”  Wait – this hotline has existed for ONE WEEK and already it doesn’t work?  And this little factoid comes at the END of the article?   I just don’t get Korean journalism. (original article here)

Idioms. Sometimes I learn more about the mysteries of Korean culture from the filler commentary than from the main story.  For example, a story about some political wrangling included this intriguing quote from a former president’s son:  “ ‘I hope Kim doesn’t use negative sentiment…but I don’t think he will quit doing so,’ Roh said, in a jab that played on the Korean idiom, ‘A dog will quit defecating first.’”  Um, WHAT?  I must find a Korean to explain.

Political Violence. Speaking of politics, a headline announced “Saenuri’s Kim abused at Gwangju memorial.”  Ooh - a leading politician of the majority party got abused?  I read on with interest – after all, this is a country where the police don’t normally carry guns and violent crimes are rare, so “abuse” jumps out. I learned that Kim went to an event where those of his political leaning aren’t invited, and he was surrounded… people cursed… he was asked to leave… Ah, here it is.  “One person in the crowd poured water on him from a bottle.”  Later commentary included this outraged quote from a fellow politician “Kim and other representatives were jeered and even doused with water.  They had to voluntarily leave the scene because people could get hurt.”  This sort of makes me wistful for America, a nation of daily violence where this would never be taken seriously as news.  But mostly, yeah, I laugh.  (original story here)

Corporate Events.  I was intrigued by a picture with this brief article’s headline: “Retailers roll out their duck and cucumber specials.” Wait – what?  Are ducks and cucumbers a commonly paired food choice in Korea?  Nope.  Apparently, May 2 is called “duck and cucumber day” in the retail world because in Korean, duck is pronounced “oli” and cucumbers “oyi” which supposedly rhymes with May 2, which is pronounced “owol yi il.”  Yeah, I don’t get it either.

In a similar vein, the Samsung corporation (who makes all manner of things), hosted a “2015 Washing Machine-Air Conditioner Media Day.”  Because why not?   And who served as the face of the event?  A Korean national figure skater.  Because… she likes cold, clean air?  I don’t know.  I just don’t get it.

Scam victim: This page 1 article outlined a series of unfortunate decisions that led to a blackmail scam. An 18-year-old male posted online a plea for help because he was being “threatened by an anonymous woman.” In his words: “I got a message from a person I didn’t know through Skype. She showed me her breasts and then she said she wants some photos of me. So I took photos of myself and sent them to her. And then she sent me a link to an app in which we can video chat while naked. After I downloaded the app, I realized it was an APK file. Through the file, she came to have a full access to the phone numbers of my family and friends. She has been asking me for money for my photos since then.”  Yeah, you kind of deserved it.

(from http://koreajoongangdaily.joins.com/news/article/article.aspx?aid=3014152)

Inner Adolescent: To be sure, the paper I read has excellent English and very rarely has typos or grammatical errors.  Sometimes, however, my inner adolescent still has a good laugh.  For example, a brief article about the new fruit-flavored soju (Korea’s answer to vodka that is heavily consumed at most social/business gatherings) included this gem:  “The grapefruit flavored soju is fast rising in popularity by word of mouths.”  Apparently the writer had been enjoying just a wee bit too much.

Finally In a recent page 1, above-the-fold story, this English headline appeared which would never be printed in the US: "Mistress of SK chairman probed over property deal."  Oh. Ouch.

Mom's Lists

Moving to Korea has meant only seeing my parents every 2 years or so.  The miracle of Skype allows us to talk more regularly, and we’ve taken to a weekly conversation together, which is more often than we interacted when we all lived in the same country.  These regular interactions through a screened medium has given me a new window into the characters of my mom and dad and how their relationship works.  I've have been delighted to see the banter between them, and my father’s increasing tendency to introduce random topics the minute he’s bored or can't hear the current conversation.  Or to admire my mother’s quick wit, snapping back one day at my father’s litany of aches with “You suffer easily.”  My kids often listen in, hoping for more of granny’s sass and grandpa’s naughty jokes. I sometimes take notes, imagining the stories I will tell my grandkids about their funny relatives.

But some stories can't wait that long.  

My mom has always stayed home, raising my sister and me while dad worked the 2^nd shift at Oldsmobile. She has always been quite organized and kept a few lists of things to do.  And until a recent skype conversation, I didn’t know that she has gradually moved to maintaining rather more lists.  Something dad said in a recent Skype conversation referred to a list, and when I asked about it, mom fetched a three-ring binder filled with pages of lists.  I insisted upon knowing more. Mom was shy at first, wary of my teasing, but soon was proudly browsing through it, sharing the topics with me while I sat, wide-eyed. She has a list of charities they donate to which is surely helpful at tax-time; a list of magazine subscription renewals so that she is not tricked into renewing too early; lists of repairs for each of their vehicles; a list of how much firewood my dad has cut and sold; a list of photos taken on her film camera; lists of doctor appointments for each of them; a list of dates the lawn has been mowed; lists of dates for their hair cuts; lists of pizzas ordered and from where; lists of dates they’ve lost power during summer or winter storms; and so on.  

Ok, I can kind of understand the purpose of many of these handwritten lists – for record keeping, or as reminders to aging memories.  But still!  I furtively started taking notes, but drew up short when she mentioned another list: the dead people she and dad have known.  Yup.  Apparently this list grows regularly as my parents peruse daily obituary columns in the local paper.  Old classmates, neighbors, co-workers. Into my stunned silence, dad blithely commented “You know, it’s about time someone dies again – it’s been almost a month since we added to that list.”

Recovering from a fit of astonished snorting, I demanded to receive this Book of Lists upon mom’s death.  My sister can get the house and furniture and jewelry and anything else she wants, but I want this book.  It shall be a treasure to pass onto my kids and grandkids, who will surely shake their heads with wonder (if not admiration). Such a strange and interesting woman, they will say.  This is our heritage.

A few days after that conversation, chuckling again over mom’s weird list compulsion, I had a Huge Revelation. Like catching your image in a store mirror and realizing the enormous gap between Who I Think I Am and Who I Actually Am.   While retrieving something from my bedroom closet, which doors double as floor-to-ceiling white boards, BAM. I saw it.  Written in my own hand, across several doors, were…lists. At least a dozen of them: IOU’s to/from the kids; lists of potential blog topics; daily and longer-term to-do lists; a list of passwords; a list of expenses for the community garden; a list of clothing sizes; a list of the fish we’ve seen while snorkeling.   

And yet, that’s not all. On my computer are sticky-noted lists of blog topics, friends’ addresses, TV shows to check out. And on our kitchen cupboards, which doors also double as white boards, are the kids’ exam schedules, groceries we need, meals we’ve planned, important phone numbers, movies friends have recommended.   I have more lists in my phone; on my bedside table; in my purse; on my bulletin board. 

And I've recently been thinking.  You know, it’s kind of hard keeping track of all those lists.  If only I had a central place for them all.  Oh, no.  I am my mother’s daughter after all.